Off-topic movie review: Mud

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Mud stars Matthew McConaughey, which, like a Tom Cruise movie, automatically tells us three things:

  1. He will be shirtless (for at least 20 minutes of the total running time).
  2. He will use a syrupy southern drawl.
  3. His hair, while not exactly greasy, will at some point look like it’s about to drip fluids.
  4. His skin will have a light sheen.

Mud does nothing to prevent these stereotypes, even though the movie makes a point of emphasizing a lucky shirt … except when he takes it off, nothing bad happens, so how lucky can it be?

After you have those four elements, here’s the rest of the recipe for mud:

  • Imagine that while the boys from Stand By Me were looking for that dead body in Oregon, two boys find a boat in a tree in the dark and twisted South as imagined by Flannery O’Connor.
  • Transplant one (1) stranger with a dark past, a la Down in the Valley, but take away to psycho tendencies.
  • Throw in one (1) father figure that’s straight out of Liam Neeson in Next of Kin and one (1) sniper who conveniently lives across the river.
  • Throw in gallons of snake-infested muddy river water.
  • Mix in an anti-Elle Woods.
  • Take mixture and slow-bake in the hot, humid sun.

Let simmer for two hours, 11 minutes. It’ll seem longer, but trust me, that’s enough. It may taste a little tough, but I think that’s the point.

Or, I could be a little off-topic …

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