Off-topic movie review: Fast Five

The good thing is that now that the ex-cop is really a full-time bad guy (he crashes a bus to spring Vin Diesel out of jail at the beginning of the movie), there’s none of that ethical dilemma angst that plagues the other films.

So once we establish that the good guy is now the bad guy (but he’s still a good guy …) Fast 5 turns into a Ocean’s 11-type heist, with Vin playing George and Paul playing Brad and the bad guy from Clear and Present Danger playing Andy Garcia …

Unless you want to say that Paul is George and Vin is Brad since the cop lady ends up running off with Brad, er, I mean, Vin. But that would make it Ocean’s 12

Or is it this?

Which one's Andy Garcia?

Or, you may want to place The Rock as Andy Garcia since he’s chasing Vin and Paul … but that would make it Ocean’s 13 since he kind of helps out in the end. (While we’re kind of off the topic, it’s nice to know that Under Armour is the official tight shirt supplier to undercover government agents … just sayin’.)

Or, you could say it’s an Italian Job since there’s a foxy lady who drives fast … but then would Vin be Mark or would Paul? The bad guy from Clear and Present Danger would definitely be Edward Norton … but who would be The Rock? Definitely not Napster, since they have that rapper filling in his role … maybe that muscle guy …

No … that doesn’t look right. You’re better off leaving it as either Ocean’s 11, 12, or 13 and calling it a day.

Confused? Don’t worry about it. Since they crammed 90 minutes of movie into 2 hours, 5 mins, you have 35 minutes to make your own comparisons.

You don’t really need to pay too close attention. The lines are mostly delivered with the subtlety of, say, Frankenstein; buy that’s OK too, because that’s the exact nuance they need … and Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson are kind of built like Frankenstein.

Plus, dialogue is just an excuse to get to the next car chase, car race, punchline or explosion, which is the whole point of the movie anyway, so relax, sit back, and figure out which Ocean’s 11 this movie really is.

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