Off-topic movie review: No Strings Attached

Saw No Strings Attached recently, the movie in which Natalie Portman continues to slut it up, although this time it’s with a man. Well, Ashton Kutcher.

Two clues about this movie:

  • the opening joke, the big joke that should pave the way for all the other laughs, is a 12-year-old shy boy asking a girl if he can finger her …
  • the only butt you see is Ashton Kutcher’s …

I’ll leave the interpretation of those clues to you.

No Strings Attached tries to walk the line between the politically incorrect, gross-out comedy (The Hangover) and straight romantic comedy (insert Rom-Com of choice here). Instead, it careens wildly and unevenly, like a drunk in search of a lay (which is pretty much the point of the movie).

Imagine that Sam, the lovable, quirky girl from Garden State, grew up to be a doctor. Except a lot more promiscuous.

Oh Sam … what happened to you?

I’ll tell you what happened: Wes Anderson.

Yep, Wes Anderson and his 13-minute experimental Hotel Chevalier, the prologue (poo-logue?) to The Darjeeling Limited.

You, Wes Anderson, were the first to film her nude. Now look at her. She’s sexing it up all over the place. Look at what you’ve done to little Queen Amidala.

I hope you’re proud of yourself.


One thought on “Off-topic movie review: No Strings Attached

  1. I knew this was going to be pretty awful and it was just so awkward for over half the movie. I don’t know if it was the audience I saw this with but a lot of the jokes got nothing but silence. Strings just didn’t know what it wanted to be…it felt like a mid-level comedy going for some edgy material, or an American Pie grade shock-comedy that pulled its punches. Good review, check out mine when you can!

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