According to Amazon, Bill Murray wrote a delightful golf memoir in 2000, Cinderella Story: My Life in Golf. Murray’s affinity (and skill) at golf are well-known and I’m sure this is a delightful read.
Steve Martin’s literary career started in 1979 with the release of Cruel Shoes, a brilliantly irreverent, off-the-wall collection of essays. He followed that up with another hilarious collection, Pure Drivel. Then, there was The Underpants, Shopgirl (which was made into a film), The Pleasure of My Company, and then the memoir Born Standing Up.
Hmmm … You had me a Cruel Shoes.
Winner: Steve Martin
Score: Murray 2, Martin 2
The Cruel Shoes
by Steve Martin
Anna knew she had to have some new shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, “Well, that’s every pair of shoes in the place.”
“Oh, you must have one more pair…”
“No, not one more pair… Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want…”
Anna interrupted, “Oh yes, let me see the cruel shoes!”
Carlo looked incredulous. “No, Anna, you don’t understand, you see, the cruel shoes are…”
Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, then returned with an ordinary shoe box. He opened the lid and removed a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But these were not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angled turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.
Carlo spoke hesitantly, “… Now you see why… they’re not fit for humans…”
“Put them on me.”
“Put them on me!”
Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.
The screams were incredible.
Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
“I like them.”
She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.
Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, “Well, that’s every shoe in the place. Unless, of course, you’d like to try the cruel shoes.”