Off-topic book review: “Goldfinger”

Finished reading Ian Fleming’s Goldfinger (1959) recently and it’s interesting to see how attitudes have changed in the past 53 years.

At the end of the book, after the danger is over, Bond and Pussy Galore, the leader of a Harlem-based group of lesbian gangsters, are in adjoining rooms on a ship. She enters his cabin and he tells her to undress and get into bed with him. She does, snuggling close.

Here’s what happens:

He said, “I thought you only like women.”

She said, “I never met a man before.” The toughness came back into her voice. “I come from the South. You know the definition of a virgin down there? Well, it’s a girl who can run faster than her brother. In my case I couldn’t run as fast as my uncle. I was twelve. That’s not so good, James. You ought to be able to guess that.’

Bond smiled down into the pale beautiful face. He said, “All you need is a course of TLC.”

…

“I’d like that.” She looked at the passionate, rather cruel mouth waiting above hers. … “When’s it going to start?”

Bond’s right hand came slowly up the firm, muscled thighs, over the flat soft plain of the stomach to the right breast. … He said softly, “Now.” His mouth came ruthlessly down on hers.

Hmmm … two things immediately come to mind …

First, James Bond is the cure for Lesbianism. It seems that 53 years ago, all you needed to “turn” a lesbian was a real man. The fact that there seem to be a fair share of lesbians today seems to reveal that there are few “real men” left. Maybe they all got married.

Secondly, I don’t know how it was then, but I was taught that when a woman confesses that she was raped by an uncle when she was 12, it’s a little callous to slowly move your hand up her firm, muscled thighs. And when you tell someone they need some TLC, you don’t start by putting your mouth ruthlessly on theirs.

But, maybe that’s just the way I was raised …

How would a 21st century James Bond handle such an encounter? How would Fleming write the scene today? Or would he?

But that may be a little off-topic.

Off-topic movie review: Underworld: Awakening

Dangerous

(Full disclosure: I’ve never seen any Underworld movies prior to this, so I may miss some of the nuances that other reviewers have.)

Here’s how I see it:

1. Women vampires are dangerous.

2. Women vampires who dress in Catwoman-like fetish outfits are dangerous … and a little sexy.

... and a little sexy ...

3. Women vampires who dress in Catwoman-like fetish outfits topped off with a John Cusack-inspired trenchcoat are dangerous and a little sexy … and tad sensitive.

... and a tad sensitive ...

See what I mean?

A total package?

But that may be just a little off-topic.

Off-topic movie review: War Horse

War Horse is like Forrest Gump

• he runs fast,
• he’s in a war,
• he gets into unlikely adventures;

and The Black Stallion, assuming that The Black Stallion was actually brown and took place during World War I.

Of course that would mean that the boy in the story would be Jenny, except instead of contracting HIV, Jenny is nearly blinded by Mustard Gas and instead of dying, the two literally ride away from the sunset at the end. I guess the metaphor kind of breaks down a bit …

The sunset, however, could make it a western … but that may be a little off-topic.

Off-topic book review: Carte Blanche

Worked my way through the latest installment of the James Bond franchise, Jeffery Deaver’s delightful Carte Blanche.

The book has all the trappings of modern fiction:

• short chapters,
• lots of action,
• an underlying social justice message (the evils of garbage, Western imperialism, crooked charities, etc.).

It is easy to visualize this as a movie. Deaver’s prose lends itself to that. It’s different from Ian Fleming’s journalistic style, but that works to Deaver’s advantage, since the modern non-Bond reader may not have patience for Fleming.

There was one thing that stuck out. I don’t know a lot of Bond lore. For instance, I had no idea that Bond’s parents were killed, making him an orphan (Hello … Bruce Wayne: your not alone!).

In fact, I never considered Bond even having parents. He exists in this nether world where he was just created, not born. Kind of like Chuck Norris.

Deaver puts Bonds’ parent’s death as occurring in the 1990s.  That’s the part that made me stop. After all, if he was in his teens in the 1990s that would make him … GASP … younger than me!

James Bond is not younger than I am.

I mean, I know for the story to work, placing Bond within that time period makes sense (it would put him in his 30s), but … still … Bond has been around longer than I have. So while my left brain recognizes the timeline, my right brain says, “No freakin’ way.”

James Bond is timeless. The beauty of any franchise like this is that the hero exists in all time periods. To limit 007 to the current one kind of ruins the Bond mythology.

Or maybe it just ruins the mythology of my youth.

But that’s a little off-topic.

Off-topic movie review: Sherlock Holmes 2

Here’s an SAT problem for you:

Robert Downey Jr.’s Sherlock Holmes is similar to Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow: the longer they hang around, the quirkier they get.

Of course, drinking formaldehyde will do that to you.

I worry that if there is a third Holmes film, it will have the same problem that crashed Pirates of the Caribbean. The strength of Sherlock Holmes is the interplay between Holmes and Watson. Captain Jack Sparrow could not carry a film alone and neither should Sherlock Holmes. There has to be a counter-point to crazy.

Of course, Pirates of the Caribbean gave us two more films before realizing it (or have they?). Let’s hope Guy Ritchie and company can learn the lesson.

It was interesting to see how the movie approached “The Final Problem” storyline in which Holmes and Moriarty go over a cliff together. In the books (and movie … oops, spoiler alert …), we learn the Holmes survived (much to Sir Arthur Canon Doyle’s chagrin).

In the comics, Moriarty survived.

Everyone lives?!? Sheesh … what is the world coming to when no one dies after two equals go head to head?

Oh, yeah … one in which sequels exist …

But that may be a bit off-topic …