Off-topic movie review: Underworld: Awakening

Dangerous

(Full disclosure: I’ve never seen any Underworld movies prior to this, so I may miss some of the nuances that other reviewers have.)

Here’s how I see it:

1. Women vampires are dangerous.

2. Women vampires who dress in Catwoman-like fetish outfits are dangerous … and a little sexy.

... and a little sexy ...

3. Women vampires who dress in Catwoman-like fetish outfits topped off with a John Cusack-inspired trenchcoat are dangerous and a little sexy … and tad sensitive.

... and a tad sensitive ...

See what I mean?

A total package?

But that may be just a little off-topic.

Off-topic movie review: Breaking Dawn, Pt. 1

Watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 is kind of like getting a drill bit through the skull: Sure, you can recover … but you could lose your sense of taste.

OK, I get it: vampires and wolves are on two sides of the food chain and humans are the snack in the middle. I get it: that there’s an uneasy peace between the two sides in this part of the world,  and the tension between peace and all-out war is as thin as a plot line. I get it.

But to clothe that undercurrent in some high-school-romance-teen-and-pregnant-baby-mama-drama-indy-music-video does a disservice to each of those adjectives.

But, at least in this one we learn that there’s at least one part of his body is alive and well …

But that’s a little off-topic.

‘Thor’ memorabilia card

Went to the local Wal-Mart this morning (to be honest, I was delaying getting to the office), and look what popped up in a pack of Upper Deck Thor movie trading cards.

It’s an “F4,” which is an “Authentic Loki Memorabilia” card.

On the back, the text reads:

Congratulations! You have received a trading card with a piece of costume memorabilia The memorabilia has been certified to us as having been used in the production of the movie Thor. We hope you enjoy this piece of cinematic history as we continue to keep you as close as you can get! Enjoy your memorabilia card! Richard P. McWilliams, The Upper Deck Co., Inc.

Presumably a part of a Loki costume, the card is as thick as five regular cards (a pack), so it’s nearly impossible to discern.

Anyway, it’s the first costume card I’ve pulled. The Upper Deck site says there’s one memorabilia card/packs, for every 48 packs … which is four boxes … so it seems fairly rare. For this part of Florida, anyway.  It’s kind of geeky, but it’s pretty neat, don’t you think?

So now I guess I’d better see the movie. Maybe I can see a small hole in a costume and see if it’s mine.

Off-topic movie review: Bridesmaids (redux)

Well … at least we know what happened to Jake Ryan after graduation. He became a police officer in Milwaukee.

At least that’s what I thought after watching Bridesmaids.

I know I’ve already off-topically reviewed the movie once, but it turns out there was something else to note.

Did anyone else catch the 16 Candles ending? The bridesmaid heroine is standing alone, after a wedding, she looks up … poof … here’s the hero.

The great thing about being old and quasi-movie literate is that it’s easy to catch an homage (and I’m calling it an “homage,” not “rip-off”). Of course, the bad thing about being old and quasi-literate is that sometimes trying to catch the odd reference gets in the way.

But, that’s OK. And horribly off-topic.

Otherwise, Bridesmaids pretty much lives up to whatever you’ve read about it. Maybe a budding genre of chick gross-out comedies is on the way. Complete with street-pooping and sub sandwich role play.

Anyway, what other 80s teen movie should get an homage? Hiding Out?

Off-topic movie review: The Fighter

Saw the Academy Award-winning movie The Fighter recently and a few thoughts rolled through the old noggin’:

• Like, why do we make fun of people from the South, when there are obviously the same stereotypes everywhere?
• Or, Why is Christian Bale overacting? … Then, there’s the clip at the end of the movie showing the guy Bale was playing. Then you realize he nailed it.
• Mmmmm, mall hair …

But, most of all, the thought that rolls around the noggin’ is this:Micky Ward’s mom is the devil. Can we call her a (excuse the language) “bitch”? There’s a part of me that lives under an equal rights umbrella that cringes as the word is typed.

I’m sorry your mom’s a female dog, Micky.

But that word, the WORD … On the one hand, the word is soaked with chauvenistic overtones. Why are strong women characters typically saddled with it? If it were an overbearing, manipulating, controlling father instead of a mother, would he be as hated?

Well … I think so.

So, if I can equally hate overbearing male and female characters, shouldn’t I be free to use proper words to describe it?

Shouldn’t we celebrate the fact that we live in a society that we can treat women characters with an equal amount of hatred that we’d give their male counterparts? Hasn’t society evolved enough to do that?

But … looking at it … that doesn’t feel right either.

After all, what’s the male counterpart to that word? Hmmm …

Meanwhile, the movie rolls on at a somewhat predictable pace. He gets the girl. He wins the title.

And I’m still trying to think of a word … Bastard? No, that’s not quite it …

Welcome to male guilt in the 21st century.

But that’s probably a little off-topic.