5 lessons from ‘Water for Elephants’

You know, once in a while, a movie comes along that motivates you to be a better person, to actually read the book that inspired the film.

Then there’s movies like Water for Elephants.

But, there’s still things to be learned. Here’s 5 lessons one can take from the film:

1. Being single and hanging out with married people can be awkward. Especially for vampires.
2. If your boss starts making out with his wife while you’re still in the room, leave. Just leave.
3. Finish school.
4. Elephants aren’t dumb, they speak Polish. And never make them mad.
5. The old adage is true: don’t dip your trunk in someone else’s water pail. (that’s an old adage … right?)

What lessons did you learn?

Jack Kervorkian, R.I.P. (insert joke here)

Dr. Jack Kervorkian died. Insert joke here.

Kervorkian, for those who don’t know, caused quite a stir back in the 1990s by taking up the rights of terminally ill patients to end their life in “physician-assisted suicides.” The courts called it murder and Kervorkian spent eight years in jail for his role in “assisting.”

He then pretty much faded away to Trivial Pursuit status, which his death pretty much certifies.

I’m sure most of the pundits will have their jokes (feel free to insert yours in the comments section), but here’s a tidbit from the heyday:

The Top 10 Kervorkian Pick-Up Lines
(from The David Letterman Show, August 23, 1996)

• 10. The papers call me ‘Dr. Death,’ but the ladies call me ‘Dr. Love.’
• 9. Can I buy you a cyanide margarita?
• 8. You are drop-dead gorgeous!
• 7. I have needs that can’t be met by killing people in the back of my van.
• 6. Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson.
• 5. You’ll never go out with anyone else again.
• 4. My friends say I look like Brad Pitt — but the probably just say that so I don’t kill them.
• 3. If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates.
• 2. In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot.
• 1. How about a non-lethal injection?

How to enjoy “Arthur” in 5 easy steps

Anyone seen my career?

It’s kind of been a sport to skewer Russel Brand’s remake of the 1981 Dudley Moore hit Arthur.

According to Rotten Tomatoes, the movie scores a 27-percent rating among professional critics. David Edelstein of the New York Post wrote that “Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance.” Really? He does know we’re talking about Russell Brand, not Russell Crowe, right?

But don’t let bad press deter you. You can enjoy this film. Here are five steps to show you how.

Step 1: Lower Your Expectations. This is a romantic comedy. It’s not Fight Club, nor The Hangover. This is a story about a drunk Peter Pan growing up. Treat it more like a Disney cartoon and less like an indie art film and you’ll do just fine.

Step 2: Know Little or Nothing About the Original. I’ve never seen the original, so this part is easy. If you have seen the original, suspend the desire to compare. The two films exist 30 years apart; allow a little interpretive freedom, please.

Step 3: Enjoy the little things. Don’t wait for the sight gags. The humor in this film is more smirk and eye-roll, less knee-slap and belly clinch. The dialogue interplay and Brand’s throw-away remarks are where you’ll find the most … uhm … humor, if you want to call it that.

Step 4: Forgive the Outfits. I’m sorry, but Greta Gerwig’s outfits almost ruined the movie for me. I haven’t seen pants that high-waisted since the 1980s Mom jean.

Step 5: Be patient. The movie runs about 20 minutes too long. Near the end, there will be the temptation to goad the movie to its inevitable conclusion. Just be patient. Finish off your popcorn. Make sure all of your trash is cleaned up. Check your e-mail. The good thing about the film is that it builds in this time, so that when it’s over, you are ready to go.

There you have it. These steps will help you not only get through the movie, but should help increase your enjoyment. If you follow them well, you won’t leave the theater thinking you wasted your time.

Let me know how the steps work for you.

No Oscar for Two Men

What do Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorsese and Joel and Ethan Coen have in common?

Going oh-fer on Oscar night. Each of the filmmakers were shut out on Oscar night despite having 10 or more nominations.

The brothers’ True Grit had 10 nominations, winning none. Ouch. 0-10

Scorsese’s Gangs of New York also went 0-10 in 2003. Spielberg’s The Color Purple went 0-11 in 1986. A fourth film, The Turning Point (1978) also went 0-11.

So … if you’re looking for a weekend film festival, there’s an intriguing lineup.

So why did this happen to the Coens? A strong field? Better marketing? Popularity? Here’s 10 reasons why the Coen brothers were blanked in the 2011 Oscars.

1. Jeff Bridges already won an Oscar (and it was just the previous year)
2. People have a hard time remembering Hailie Satterpelt Sattinfeld Stenfeld Steinfeld. (But not for long.)
3. People are still upset that Brad Pitt went out early in Burn After Reading.
4. That whole Roderick Jaynes thing.
5. The Ralph Nader effect: Bridges’ work in both True Grit and Tron: Legacy split the vote in sound editing.
6. The Academy regrets the whole John Wayne gimme.
7. We can’t be bothered by True Grit because we’re still trying to figure out the allegorical meaning of the opening scene in A Serious Man (heck, some of us are still processing Barton Fink!)
8. There’s some secret anti-Deakins movement afoot.
9. A guy wearing a bear rug? Really?
10. Speech impediments trump eye patches. Every time.

Top 10 of 2010

Here’s The 10 Minute Ramble’s Top 10 Posts for 2010. That’s a lot of “T” words.

Maybe you read ‘em. Maybe you didn’t. If you did, Thanks. If you didn’t feel free to check ‘em out now.

Have a Happy New Year’s Eve, and let’s ramble some more in the near future. Like tomorrow, maybe.

1. Why Wolverine is a good guy. As if you didn’t know …
2. Classic 80s movies, “modernized” I’m kind of surprised they haven’t already done this.
3. A little Dylan for the body.
4. Ranking Wes Anderson films. This was before I saw Fantastic Mr. Fox. But, the list pretty much stays the same, I think.
5. 10 Really Bad Chick Flicks. Face it: have you ever seen a good one?
6. Off topic movie review: Couple’s Retreat
7. 24 things Jack Bauer can do after ’24′. This is the first post that landed on the front page of WordPress.com.
8. Thrift store find: “The Mad Scientists’ Club”. I love this book. I love finding it in a thrift store that much better.
9. Top 5: John Cusack. No one carries a better boom box.
10. New icons?