I don’t normally play video games, but if I did, I think I’d have to play this.
A lot.
Mathematically, I would formulate it like so:
JB(H + R2 + OW) = VGJP
or
The sum of Humor, Rock-n-Roll and Off-the-Wallness multiplied by the power of Jack Black is equal to Video Game Jackpot.
Jack Black has always been more of a cartoon character anyway. I guess this is a step in that direction.
Can you think of a more appropriate video game-actor team-up? What other big-name actors have starred in their own video games?
Immediately, my mind asked: How many of the worst movies of the decade are in MY DVD collection? I mean, what does it say about me as a person if I own a truly horrible movie? If High Fidelity taught us anything, it taught us that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like. So I searched the list.
And there it was, lo and behold, number 74: Envy.
Not only do I own this movie, but I think I saw it in the theater with movie buddy Paul. This means I have seen it AT LEAST twice. Now, my honor is at stake. Let me defend this 2004 Ben Stiller-Jack Black-Christopher Walken gem. I’ll have to watch it again this week, but my immediate memory of it is that, while thin on plot and heavy laughs, there’s still plenty to like. For instance:
Christopher Walken. Just look at him. He’s funny.
Jack Black. He’s wacky. He’s just got that body and mannerisms that draw laughter. And though the performance is over the top (think Jim Carrey-Ace Ventura on speed), he can still draw an amused grin. Right?
And though this isn’t Ben Stiller’s best performance (a la Mystery Men), and he has awful hair, he does a pretty swell slow burn.
The overall message is nice: true friendship overlooks wrongs. Even though Ben Stiller is jealous of Jack Black and treat him rotten, Jack still reaches out to him, oblivious to the slights.
Plus this is the movie that gave us the line: “Va-POO-rize.” Nine times out to 10, poo jokes are funny. In the comic pantheon, they are on par with the crotch hit. They always draw a reaction. Say it “Va-POO-rize.” Use it in a sentence and try not to smile.
Anyway, that’s my defense. Go ahead, show me my flaws. But, here’s the complete list and I dare you to search and ask: How many of these stinkers have made their way into your collection? What can you say in their defense?
100-91
Whiteout (2009), Glitter (2001), Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005), Boat Trip (2005), All About Steve (2009), Lost Souls (2000), The New Guy (2002), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Babylon A.D. (2008), Surviving Christmas (2004).
90-81
Dragonfly (2002), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Kaena: The Prophecy (2004), Testosterone (2003), Pavilion of Women (2001), Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), Thr3e (2007), Doogal (2006), Supercross: The Movie (2005), Extreme Ops (2002).
80-71
Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Deck the Halls (2006), Date Movie (2006), Johnson Family Vacation (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Envy (2004), Gigli (2003), Broken Bridges (2006), College (2008).
70-61
New Best Friend (2002), The Cookout (2004), Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie (2004), The Hottie and the Nottie (2008), The Fog (2005), Swept Away (2002), Corky Romano (2001), Yours, Mine, & Ours (2005), Serving Sara (2002), Good Luck Chuck (2007).
60-51
The Perfect Man (2005), 88 Minutes (2008), Christmas with the Kranks (2004), Godsend (2004), Because I Said So (2007), The Celestine Prophecy (2006), Harry & Max (2005), Modigliani (2005), The Bridge of San Luis Rey (2005), Fascination (2005).
50-41
Dirty Love (2005), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008), BloodRayne (2006), Soul Survivors (2001), Material Girls (2006), My Baby’s Daddy (2004), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun0Li (2009), Darkness (2003), House of the Dead (2003), Zoom (2006).
40-31
Down to You (2000), Miss March (2009), Happily N’Ever After (2007), Code Name: The Cleaner (2007), The Whole 10 Yards (2004), Deal (2008), The Haunting of Mary Hartley (2008), Delta Farce (2007), Deuces Wild (2002), The Covenant (2008).
30-21
Fear Dot Com (2002), Bless the Child (2000), Rollerball (2002), Battlefield Earth (2000), Kickin’ It Old Skool (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Texas Rangers (2001), The In Crowd (2000), Disaster Movie (2008), Epic Movie (2007).
20-11
Crossover (2006), Half Past Dead (2002), The Master of Disguise (2002), Twisted (2004), Daddy Day Camp (2007), Alone in the Dark (2005), Beyond a Reasonable Doubt (2009), Constellation (2007), Killing Me Softly (2002), Merci Docteur Rey! (2002).
10-1
Witless Protection (2008), Redline (2007), 3 Strikes (2000), Strange Wilderness (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers (2004), King’s Ransom (2005), Pinocchio (2002), One Missed Call (2008), Ballistic: Eks vs. Sever (2002).
Saw Quantum of Solace tonight for the fourth time. I’m not a big fan of James Bond, it has just worked out that way. The four viewings speak more to a personal philosophy of movie watching, which is a subject for another post. Anyway, four times … reminds me of college and watching the movie Beaches four (or was it three) nights in a row with Brian Raynor.
And yet I digress.
The James Bond franchise got me thinking, and though this is a well-trod path, I have never thought of it before.
James Bond.
Jason Bourne
Jack Bauer.
So, let me get this straight: an assassin gets three names and a spy gets the initials “J.B.” Check.
This explains why Ethan Hunt (Mission Impossible) doesn’t get any respect … despite the fact he’s made three movies (more than Daniel Craig as .007 and the same as Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne).
Of course, I googled this phenomenon as soon as I got home and welcomed a plethora of discussions going over this very thing (including an insightful dissection of how Jack Bauer was named after a card game … among other things with the initial of J and B).
So why bring it up?
For one thing, I don’t know if it’s comforting or disturbing that others think about the same things I do. On the one hand, it should be comforting because that makes me closer to “normal” (whatever THAT is); on the other hand, it’s disturbing because, well, that makes me just “normal” (whatever that is), and in this society, normal is dull, shallow, and easily forgotten.
Secondly, and more importantly, I bring it up because there’s only one J.B. I’d like to see as a spy.
