I’m not sure if Tom Cruise is the fastest celebrity alive, but he certainly looks like it, which, I guess, is half the battle.
Now, that movie magic can be yours! In just four easy steps, you, too, can look like you’re running as fast as Tom Cruise.
Step 1: Karate chop hands. Nothing says “Quick” like slicing your way through the air. Keep fingers extended during running and negate extra friction that hinders other “fist”-runners.
Step 2: Tippy-toes. Not only does running on your tip toes make you raise your knees (which looks faster), it doesn’t sound as loud as those slower, full-footed runners. That fft-fft-fft sound from your tip-toes is softer and makes you seem quicker.
Step 3: Elbow action. Alternating tight with flailing elbows serves two purposes. First, they keep the karate chop hands moving, mesmerizing the viewer. Secondly, they get caught in your untucked shirt or blazer. This secondary action forces the tail of the shirt or blazer to shuffle from side to side, making it seem like your clothes are having a hard time catching up. You’ll be literally outrunning your clothes.
Step 4: Grimace. Running fast is hard work — look like it. The strain on your face echoes the strain your muscles are experiencing as they slice through the air and stay ahead of your shirt tail. Try out running grimaces in the mirror in order to find the most effective look of strain for you.
There you have it. Practice each of these four easy steps in your home during commercials and, in no time at all, people will ask you how to outrun a sandstorm or stay ahead of the mob or make it through a barren Times Square in a flash or leave Pre-Crime Officers in the dust or whiz past blood-sucking aliens or … well, you get the picture.
So … had enough of Jeremy Lin yet? I kind of feel sorry for the guy. He seems sincere, but look at what we’re doing to his name? Sheesh … I mean how would you feel to have your name bastardized in so many ways? It’s almost as if the country’s speaking a whole new Lin-go (snicker … snicker …)
Anyway, here’s top five ways you’ll never see Jeremy Lin’s used (but probably could):
“Madison Square Garden is now laid with Lin-oleum.”
Meet the NBA’s Lin-istry of Defense
Have you been to Lin-terest.com? It’s the new site for all things crafty … and Jeremy Lin
“Meet basketball’s new Lin-gua franca.”
“A jump shot as soft as Lin-en …” or “The Knick’s had better hope there’s no Yoko for this Lin-en” (double points for linking to an ex-Beatle)
I was trying to work up poor uses with the words “Lin-seed” and “Lin-gerie” but I stopped …
Read that William Shatner‘s role as the Priceline Negotiator will come to an end during a commercial that starts to air on television Monday (of course, the commercial is already released online, leading to the question of when does an ad spokesman really die?)
It’s a pretty funny commercial (“Save yourself … some money …”) and the publicity given to the commercial is exactly what Priceline wants. (Side note: I’m wondering why they didn’t wait until the Super Bowl? Was the Super Bowl too expensive for such a whimsical death ad? What does that say about the Super Bowl, which has built a counter following of commercial-only viewers? I guess these are questions left for another post …)
As far as the commercial, don’t worry about Shatner. Priceline officials note that he is still under contract with the company for another year, leaving the door open for a miraculous return.
And if he does, will this be the first time a long-running commercial pitchman has jumped the shark?
